Friends can be fickle. Friends can sometimes disappoint us. Friends can make us mad. Friends can have expectations of us. And friends can love us no matter what.
I'd like to be the kind of friend that would always be there, always be kind, always be helpful, and never expect anything in return. I admit that I haven't usually succeeded. In fact, I don't have that many real friends. I haven't made friends easily and I haven't seemed to keep them for the long run. I think I may be getting better though.
A few years ago, I met and made a really good friend. We connected on a very personal level and were comfortable with each other from the very beginning. We could talk about things that were important to us... God, kindness, and feelings. We cut through the usual small talk and understood each other. I was ecstatic to find that kind of connection, because those true friends had been missing from my life. It was pure and there were no ulterior motives, no expectations, and no holding back. It felt great!
We were friends for a year or maybe two and I thought we would be friends forever. This, I thought, was what friendship was all about. I just knew that we would always be friends, and had already been friends for many lifetimes. There was no doubt in my mind. So, when she stopped talking to me, I was understandably confused. What happened? Did I do something wrong? I searched through our last interactions and couldn't see that I had done anything. I needed to know, but how do I find out when she won't talk to me? The not knowing and the not understanding is much harder than knowing whatever terrible trait I must have and not be aware of. Even though I've read "The Four Agreements" and know not to make assumptions and take anything personally, how do you not take this personally? How do you get past something that makes so little sense and is so illogical?
I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but it still hurts. I did my best to talk to her, to write to her, to confront her, to question her. But I got no answers. It really crushed me. It smashed to pieces my faith in friendship and people. It reminded me why I've been protecting myself for so long from being abandoned and rejected. It reminded me that there was a reason that I've built so many walls that I've used to keep people out. It reminded me that people will always let you down. It reminded me that the only one I can really trust is God. I told myself that this is why it happened... to remind me that human beings are fallible. That they are human and will never be perfect.
I got over the loss. I had no choice. I did the best I could. It's probably been about 5 years since that all happened. I learned my lesson... not to expect too much from people. Over that time, I've occassionally reached out to reconnect to her, but my letters and emails brought no reply. Even so, 2 weeks ago I emailed her again, and this time she replied. She was happy that I had reached out and was happy to reconnect. She gave me her phone number, I called, and she was happy to hear from me. It could have been the day before she stopped talking to me.
I thought that I'd want to know why she stopped talking. I thought I would want to ask her, but I realize that it's not important. What purpose would it serve? Whatever it was, it's her stuff and it really has nothing to do with me. I just look forward to moving on. I can see that we do have the kind of friendship that can survive anything. We can pick up where we left off and practice being true friends. That means that I trust her again, and I trust in friendship. It can truly survive where other forms of love cannot. It is as unconditional as we can get. I hope we'll keep talking for the rest of both of our lives, but if we don't, I'll always think of her as my friend.
Thank you, "J", for coming back into my life. I promised you that I will always be your friend. Whether you are near or far, you will always be in my heart. Thank you for showing me that you never truly left.
No comments:
Post a Comment