I'm sorry, Mom

My mom passed away 23 years ago.  I never told her that I was sorry for the way that I treated her.  Some people might say that it's a little late now to tell her how I feel.  Some might say there's no point in dwelling on the past.  Many might say that I should live in the present moment and let bygones be bygones.  They would all be right.

But sometimes the past gets stuck in us and creates all kinds of problems.  Sometimes we can't seem to move forward because there's something holding us back.  And in probably all cases, that something is in the past.  To ignore the past seems counterproductive to me.

I was never close to my mother.  In fact, I pushed her away continuously.  I felt like she didn't give me the time, attention, and affection that I needed when I was a child.  I literally begged her for attention.  I even wrote her a letter.  I bared my little ten year old soul and she was too busy to listen.  That was the last time I asked.  One letter... one rejection... sometimes that's all it takes.  There must have been more instances, but this is the one that I remember vividly.  From that day forward, I quit asking, I quit talking, I quit listening, I quit trying to have a relationship with my mother.  I ignored her, I made snide comments to her, I made all kinds of excuses to be anywhere but with her.  I never opened myself up for rejection again.  By God, I was going to reject her before she could ever reject me again.  I've been holding onto this technique ever since.

I'm sure my mother never understood why I had so much animosity toward her.  I didn't understand it myself.  One thing I know for sure is that it doesn't just go away by itself.  It doesn't even go away when the object of our animosity is no longer here.  Where does it go?  It gets stuck inside and comes out in all kinds of ways.  The anger simmers beneath the surface and boils over anytime and anywhere, sometimes for no apparent reason.  Anything can trigger it. 

I also felt a deep sadness dwelling inside of me.  I didn't understand that either.  I think that it's similar to mourning.  I'm not mourning my mother's passing so much as I'm mourning the loss of those 24 years when we could have had a relationship and didn't.  I'm mourning the fact that I can never get those years back.  I'm mourning the fact that I never told her that I was sorry. 

Now what?  I can keep beating myself up for being a lousy daughter.  I can transfer the anger that I felt toward her inward toward myself.  I can keep rejecting anyone who comes into my life before they get the chance to reject me.  Or I can make a conscious decision to change.  I choose that answer.  I didn't have a choice before, because I didn't know why I was doing what I was doing.  I didn't like being that way, which only contributed to even more frustration.  So, it's like a weight lifting off of my shoulders to have this understanding.  With understanding comes the ability to make different choices.

I'm sorry, Mom.  I'm sorry we missed out on the closeness that mothers and daughters should have.  I'm sorry that I was never able to love you and appreciate you fully.  I'm sorry that I wasn't with you when you died.  I'm sorry that I never forgave you.  I forgive you now.  Do you forgive me?

What kind of girlfriend is right for you?

Why is it that opposites attract, but we always seem to be looking for "like-minded" partners?  We want someone who likes to do the same things we like to do.  We want someone who believes in the same things we believe in.  We want someone who is stable, dependable, trustworthy, and honest (even though we may not be).  But in many cases, we're attracted to the exact opposite.  What's up with that?

If you are shy, quiet, and introspective, you may be attracted to someone who is outgoing, extroverted, and who says everything that pops into her head.  She's going to seem like lots of fun... for awhile.  But can you live with that kind of person for long?  She'll probably drive you crazy after a month or two or even a year.  And you'll drive her crazy too. 

So, before you start writing your wedding vows with the first girl who smiles at you, take a good hard look at your age, maturity level, attitude, and the amount of patience that you possess.  You may prefer a young inexperienced girlfriend, who like a puppy, will be easily molded by your personality.  She will pick up your neuroses, bad habits, impatience, and behavior problems.  That's a big responsibility.  If you're worried that she may develop an uncontrollable tic after being exposed for long periods of time to your influence, then consider an older, more mature girlfriend.  You'll know more about how she will turn out.

The down side of this is that you don't know what kinds of things in her background will surface down the road.  You don't know what kind of baggage she's carrying until she hits you over the head with it.  You might be tempted to search for someone who has no baggage, but that's almost impossible.  You'd have to go back to early childhood, and even if it wasn't illegal and immoral, you probably wouldn't really be happy with a 2 year old for a girlfriend.  So, decide on something within the range of no experience to someone who's been married 14 times and is still looking for the "right one".

Why can't anything be simple?

It's raining! It's 3:22pm... let's see how long it lasts.

I think the last rain we got here in Austin lasted about 90 seconds, so I'm hoping for a longer rain today.  So far, it's been 3 minutes, so we've already beaten the previous effort.  My beautiful water-hogging St Augustine grass that used to be a lush green is now as brittle and colorful as straw.  The sparse bleeps of green come from patches of weeds.  Before I put in the St Augustine grass about 5 years ago, my yard was always green, even during droughts.  It wasn't grass that kept it green, but dandelions and 3 leaf clovers (never any luck-bringing 4 leaf clovers) and onion grass and other weeds.  You can't kill weeds with only a little old drought.  Those suckers know how to survive.  There's alot to be said for weeds.  First of all, it's way cheaper to plant weeds than buying pallets upon pallets of St Augustine.  In fact, it costs nothing to grow weeds and maintain them.  They stay green year round.

St Augustine grass is not only expensive to install and expensive to maintain, but also expensive in terms of time.  The first year or 2 that I had this beautiful grass, I spent hours on my hands and knees plucking out individual weeds by their roots.  It was actually fun.  I was probably only helping the weeds to multiply because I rarely got the whole weed by the entire root.  But it was a challenge to crawl around on my hands and knees on this lush lawn.  This had a few drawbacks however.  First of all, the people who laid my grass failed to level the dirt before they laid it down, so there were high and low points.  They said that it would eventually fill in on it's own, but I have to wonder what they meant by "eventually".  Obviously 5 years isn't long enough because I'm still constantly stepping into holes and uneven places.  This, however, is not nearly as disturbing as the other reason that I spend little time nowadays crawling or walking on the grass.

The rain has stopped and it's 3:40... a total of 18 minutes.  The first 5 minutes were a good hard rain and the rest was a drizzle.  My grass isn't green yet.  I doubt the rain even penetrated the hard crusty outer shell of sun-baked dirt.  Oh well... I suppose it's better than nothing.

The second reason I don't like my grass anymore is that the neighborhood cats love it.  Those plump full blades of grass must feel delightful on a cat's little bottom as it squats to defecate.  They seem to relish my lawn as they drop their processed breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  How something so small can smell so aromatic is beyond me.  I can smell it at least 20 yards away, even though it's impossible to see.  It drops down between the blades of grass and disappears, while it's fragrance wafts upward and outward.  My dogs can find it like heat seeking missiles, which makes matters even worse.  It smells so irresistible to dogs that they will follow their noses directly to the spot, burrow into the grass, and emerge triumphant with the offending delicacy between their teeth.  Before I even realize what they're doing, they've finished consuming it and are looking for more.  The up side is that I won't step in it now and the down side is that my dogs have perpetually horrendous breath.

The moral of this long-winded story is that grass is overrated.  I'd rather take it all out and plant native Texas cactus and plants that require little or no water.  However, this would require some effort on my part and I'm not in the mood.  So, my current plan is to let the grass die and the weeds grow back.  That seems pretty native, don't you think?

Where do you look for a girlfriend?

If I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn’t be single, would I? 

Actually, I think I would.  I'm just getting back into the dating scene after a hiatus of many years (I can't tell you how many or I'd have to kill you but I don't believe in killing so I just won't tell you).  This time around, I'm going to be openminded and meet people who I might not ordinarily go out with.  But in reading profiles of women who are in my age range (you know... 20's and 30's like me), I'm realizing that we all have alot of baggage.  What?  You don't think I'm in my 20's or 30's?  Don't you remember they say you're only as old as you feel?  So back to the baggage; my house is only so big and I don't know if I can fit anyone else's baggage.  I don't think I want anyone else's baggage.  I've reduced my baggage to one large suitcase and 2 carry-ons (OK... I switched to the amount of luggage in my closet).  But the point is that I really don't want someone else's footlocker full of "stuff", like kids, exes, and insecurities.  But I'm going to give it a shot anyway.  At the very least, it will give me something to write about.

You all know I'm writing a book, right?  I thought it was going to have 5 parts, with the last part being about growing older (and wiser) together.  In other words, all those things that come about after you've been with someone for a long time (I'm not sure what "long" is but I'm thinking that it's definitely more than 2 1/2 years which is where I usually got tripped up).  I did make it to 5 years once, but I think that's more a tribute to my partner's endurance than anything that I did right.  The point is that I don't have the experience to write about a truly loving and lasting relationship.  I thought that I would interview couples, but the more that I think about it, the more I'd rather shove toothpicks underneath my fingernails.  And since I'm a real wimp when it comes to pain, I'm going to avoid it like the plague.  So the book will have to end after 4 parts.  But don't worry... if you follow all the advice and get a puppy instead, you're sure to have a loving and lifelong relationship.  It's working great for me!

Reason #2 for wanting a girlfriend

“All my friends have one and I feel left out because I don’t have one.”

This is a very understandable reason since we are in a society that caters to couples.  We feel like there’s something wrong with us if we are alone and we feel like a third wheel if we are always with friends who are coupled.  They even feel awkward and many times feel the urge to fix us up with someone.  We may be perfectly OK with being alone, but the weight of society’s judgment  eventually makes us believe that there is something wrong with us for enjoying being alone. 

A girlfriend will allow you to enter the realm of couples and fit in.  It will gain you entrance to that world.  Like a puppy owner, you can now go to the dog park and people won’t look at you weird, wondering if you’re a pervert for hanging around the dog park without a dog.  Now you fit in.  And everything is great while you are with your couple friends. 

But what happens when you leave and now you want to go back to your normal routine and here is this girlfriend who wants to spend some time with you?  You figure that you were just spending time with her because you were out at the dog park and you wanted to hang out with all the dog park dogs.  But she’s not satisfied with that.  She wants to sit on your lap and wag her tail and look up at you with those big brown eyes.  Well, you weren’t planning on that because you just got her to go with you to the park so you ignore her and go about your business.  Puppies will lay down and go to sleep and when they wake up they will have forgotten all about that slight, but girlfriends are a whole other story.  She will expect that attention, and rightly so.  She will not forget and you will pay for it at a later date.  Next time you want to go to the park, she’ll remember what happened afterwards, and she won’t want to go quite so badly.  She may go, but each time it happens, she’ll want to go less and less until eventually she refuses to go with you.  Now she serves no useful purpose since you can’t use her anymore to get into the club, so you’re going to have to get a new one and start all over again.  This will lead to an ugly break-up full of pain, crying, and anger.  And all you wanted was someone to help you be part of the couples world.  Maybe the singles world isn't so bad after all.

(As a side note... I was at a dog park a couple of evenings ago with my dogs.  There was a guy standing there watching all the dogs and I asked him which dog was his.  He said that he didn't have a dog but that he liked watching them.  Since I was friendly and introduced myself he kind of latched onto me.  After a few minutes, it started feeling weird that he was there without a dog.  I started to wonder what he was up to.  I'm sure it was perfectly innocent, but I did have to wonder.)

Why S.M.A.R.T. goals aren’t so smart

It’s a great idea to set goals.  There’s no doubt about that.  You have a much better chance of achieving something if you actually plan on it and work toward it.  But I’m wondering if we’re doing ourselves any favors with some of the goals we’re setting.

Let’s talk about SMART goals.  You’ve probably heard of this technique of goal setting.  Each letter stands for a part of the goal that makes it work.  S is specific, M is measurable, A is attainable, R is relevant, and T is timely.  The letter that I take exception to is “A”.  What’s attainable?  Everything!  Anything!  “Anything we conceive, we can achieve”.  Jesus told us something similar thousands of years ago.  And today, lots of self-help gurus are telling us this, so it must be true.  If this is the case, which it is, then aren’t we doing ourselves a disservice by choosing easily attainable goals?  What good is achieving a goal if it’s too easy?  Is that really an accomplishment?  We think it is.  I think otherwise.

I’m pretty good at setting goals and achieving them.  I’m so good because I set goals low enough for me to achieve.  This isn’t serving me.  I feel good because I’ve accomplished what I set out to accomplish.  Aren’t I great?  Am I happy?  NO.  Am I wealthy?  NO.  Am I fulfilled?  NO.  So, what’s wrong with my goals?  The “A”.

Maybe we need to be setting goals that are seemingly Unattainable.  We should be setting SMURT goals.  I know, it doesn’t sound nearly as smart, does it?  I’m famous for setting goals too low.  I never fail, but that doesn’t make me successful.  It makes me an underachiever.  Is anyone else an underachiever?  Do you set your sights low enough that you can reach?  Why do we do this to ourselves?  I know that in my case I don’t think I can reach anything higher.  I don’t think I can get the brass ring.  I don’t think I deserve to have more.

Until today, one of my goals for 2011 was to get a job as an Animal Control Officer.  Is this a SMART goal?  It’s specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and timely.  But it’s certainly NOT smart.  My main reason for wanting to be an ACO (aside from looking good in a uniform) is to get out in the community where I can talk to people and have an influence on how they treat their pets.  I would also like to find, expose, and shut down puppy mills.  Being an ACO will provide me a platform to speak to people.  But is there a better way?  Is there a bigger way?  Why limit myself to Austin or pets or puppy mills?  Why not think bigger?  Because I may not achieve bigger.  I want something I can get, and I can get ACO.  Will this make me happy?  I’ll achieve my goal… isn’t that good?  According to SMART, I’ve done something worthwhile.  But the more I think about it, the less worthwhile I think it is.  Big deal… I get a job making $15 an hour.  Should I be excited about this?  NO.  Is this all I’m worth?  Absolutely not!

Instead, I’m going to shoot for something attainable but by no means a sure thing.  I may fail, but I don’t think so.  It might be unrealistic to some, but I’m going for it.  I’m going to be a published author and a motivational speaker.  People will pay to hear what I have to say because it’s unique, educational, motivational, and helpful to many, many people.  This is a SMURT goal, and if I fall short, I’ll still be higher than if I aimed too low.  And you know what?  I’m going to succeed!

Common mistakes: Assuming that she’s having fun just because you're having fun.

 You and your girlfriend are going to have different likes and dislikes (unless you find a girlfriend who is exactly like you).  You are not always going to enjoy the same activities.  You need to always be alert to her fun meter to make sure it is registering, especially when you’re having a blast doing something with your friends or something that you like but she doesn’t.  Let’s say that you love going to tractor pulls.  Not only has she never been to a tractor pull, but she can’t imagine why anyone would pull a tractor, let alone why anyone else would want to watch.  So, you already know that this is going to be a challenging situation.  Your best bet might be to find a buddy to go with you and leave your girlfriend alone for an exciting (in comparison) night of watching nail polish dry.  But if you absolutely need to introduce her to tractor pulls, then you need to be prepared to be extra patient, extra attentive, and even be prepared to leave before all the festivities are over.  Make her feel like she is important and that her happiness is important.  Explain the rules, the strategy, the machinery, and most importantly, buy her at least 2 beers to help her forget where she is.  Then you can enjoy the show.  But never forget that she's not you.  Just because you're having fun doesn’t mean that she is.  You have to watch her nonverbal cues.  While you're laughing and carrying on, if you look over and she has a pained expression on her face, it’s either diarrhea or lack of fun.  The mistake that some people make is in yelling over the cheering of the crowd “isn’t this fun?” without even looking at her for a response.  This does not meet the criteria for checking up on her.  All it does is alleviate your guilt because you can say that you asked her.  If you do happen to sincerely check her expression or she tells you that she’s ready to go halfway through the event, you must be prepared to leave.  Now you’ve had your fun (or at least half of it) and you’ve shown her that you care about her.  You’re a winner tonight!

Are you sure you really want a girlfriend?

Do you really need a girlfriend or is she going to end up in the closet alongside the exercise bike and the drum set that you just couldn’t live without?  Have you spent months longing for something, shopping for it, comparing all the features, finally buying it, getting it home, using it once or twice, and then turning it into a clothes rack?  You can’t do that with a girlfriend!  She won’t go into the closet quietly!

What made you so sure you had to have her in the first place?  If you have anything in your closet that you don’t use, then you’re one of those people who don’t always make the wisest decisions (like all the rest of us).  Girlfriends may not cost as much initially as that drum set but their costs are a whole lot subtler and their needs far greater than an expensive coat rack.

The first step before getting a girlfriend is evaluating why you want one in the first place.  We usually think longer and harder about getting a puppy than we do about girlfriends.  We think about how much time they'll take, how much a puppy might tie us down, and how expensive the vet bills can be.  Once we pass those hurdles, we can choose a breed with a known temperament that will fit our lifestyle.  We can go to a shelter or a rescue group or even a breeder, plunk down some money, and take home our new little angel. 

It’s not so easy with girlfriends.  There aren’t any books on “women breeds” like there are on “dog breeds”.  There also aren’t any breeders or shelters or stores where you can go, plunk some money down, and walk away with your new girlfriend.  Well, you might be able to order one from another country, but that sounds a little desperate and probably illegal, so let’s not go there yet. 

How to ruin a dinner date

Have you ever gone out for dinner on a date and you've barely had time to sit down when your cell phone starts vibrating in your pocket?  Your automatic response is to whip it out of your pocket and look at your text message.  Allright... you've looked to see who it was and we all know it's not really all that important.  But you can't leave it unanswered or your friend won't know that you now know that he just had a Coke and a pop tart for dinner, so you have to text him back.  Just a quick one, right?  What's the harm?  You have to let him know that you're out to dinner at a restaurant with a date.  Maybe he'll get the message and leave you alone, but we all know that now he's going to want to know who she is, what she looks like, and if you think you're going to get lucky.  So, back and forth you go... just quickies.  It's not like you're in the middle of a deep conversation  with your date or anything.

Well, duh!  The reason you're not in the middle of a deep conversation is that her mind is occupied with trying to figure out how she's going to get away from you.  She's wishing that she was anywhere but on a date with you.  She's wishing that she was sitting there with her dog because she knows that her dog sure as hell can't text.  She's actually chuckling over the thought of her dog trying to text.  No, she's not chuckling at your lame explanations about what your friend is doing.  The more she thinks about what great company her dog is, the less she wants to be sitting there with you.  There are even restaurants that let you bring your dog.  Wouldn't that be nice?  By now, she can't even stand sitting there any longer.  She just remembered that she left the iron on and she has to run home before the house burns down.  Darn... too bad the dog doesn't text or she could text him the message to turn it off.  No opposable thumbs can definitely be a good thing.

My first blog

I'm currently writing a book titled The Care and Feeding of a Girlfriend.  It's a pretty funny book, I think.  Throughout, I make comparisons between getting a puppy and getting a girlfriend.  Believe me, puppies are easier, and for many things, even better.  But we all think we should have a girlfriend (or a boyfriend for that matter if you're so inclined).  I had them, but I wasn't too good at keeping them.  I made lots of mistakes. Luckily, mistakes give us opportunities to learn, if we take them.  It took me a long time to learn my lessons.  The good thing is that you don't have to learn them the hard way like I did.  All you have to do is read my book, and avoid the common blunders that I and others have made.  Sounds easy, doesn't it? 

Here's a sample excerpt... see what you think:

“What sort of things do girlfriends like that will take my time?”

Good question… I’m glad you asked.  They like for you to sit down with them and ask them about their day, preferably without the TV on behind them so you can watch the news surreptitiously while they’re talking.  They will probably want to hear about your day too, as long as you don’t complain too much.  They might want to get together with other couples and have them over to the house.  You’ll probably have to help clean up the place a little.  She may want you to take her out to dinner occasionally and out on a date.  She still likes romantic dates every now and again.  You might even want to do something romantic at home like prepare her a nice bath, light some candles, and play romantic music.  You’ll have to think of things all the time to keep things fresh and spontaneous, and yes, romantic.  Girlfriends like that sort of thing.

If you’re not into romance, try going the puppy route instead.  You don’t have to romance them.  They generally frown on romance.  You don’t have to take them out to dinner either.  As a matter of fact, unless you get the one or two dogs in the world who are finicky eaters, your dog will chow down the exact same thing day after day after day and always act like you’re the greatest chef that ever lived.  They would never believe that Emeril can actually cook better than you. This meal takes on average one minute for you to put the food in her bowl and then step out of the way so you don’t get run over.  You can even have the bag of food delivered to your door so you don’t have to spend any time shopping for it.